Just So We're Being Clear

If you're not sure what kind of people you're dealing with here... If you haven't been paying attention. Two very recent stories that should help.

Example 1.
Tracy is pulling out of the underground parking at the Gateway when she feels something in her hair. Panicked and still navigating the tight space in a not-so-nimble SUV, she attempts to shake whatever it is. As she approaches the attendant's booth and rolls down her window, a tiny beetle flies from her hair onto her left wrist. Continuing to multitask her way through the situation, she simultaneously hands the woman her ticket and flicks the offending insect from her person... right into the attendant's eye. If you're asking... "What are the chances of that happening?", I'm telling you... 100 percent. The girl let's out a groan and covers her freshly bugged eye. Profuse apologies and awkwardness ensue. No words are spoken, no forgiveness is offered. The gate lifts and Tracy reluctantly drives away. Somalis don't practice witchcraft do they?

Example 2.
Just yesterday... Evan had minor oral surgery to make way for a tooth that hadn't come in. In the weeks leading to yesterdays operation a decision had to be made on anesthesia.

Option 1: A local anesthetic and laughing gas.
Cost: A decent amount money out of pocket.

Option 2: General anesthesia.
Cost: A lot of money out of pocket.

What kind of parents would offer a cash incentive to their son to choose the less expensive option? This kind.

Sounds horrible right? Relax... everything turned out fine. With the tooth so near the surface, the surgeon recommended the local. The boy pocketed a cool $75, felt fine and had a two milkshake day. The parents saved a couple hundred dollars to spend on something more enjoyable... like drywall... or the fence that's falling down again.

Sigh... We'll try harder tomorrow.

Camping Out

To prove I could simultaneously be the best and worst father ever, I recently camped out with Evan until 1am (on a school night) to pick up the brand new Call of Duty. How was it? Kind of fun as a father and son thing, but let's just say the Marlboro/Mountain Dew/Nacho Cheese Dorito crowd was out in force. Unless our next war is hosted on an XBOX server, America is screwed.

To avoid cleaning his room, Evan recently camped out in this makeshift fort.

The American

So the other Saturday Tracy and I decide to ditch the boy and go catch an afternoon movie. We were almost giddy. We had both seen the trailers for The American and thought it was a no-lose proposition. George Clooney. In Europe. With the sniper rifle.

In hindsight, we should have done a little more detective work. The movie consisted of 103 minutes of advanced gunsmithing, punctuated by two minutes of violence and nudity.

Now I don't really know the origin of the word matinee... I'm guessing it's French. And based on our experience with this one, I'm guessing the translation is something akin to "what grandma and grandpa do just after lunch". Unexpectedly, we (along with one other couple) were the youngest people in the theater by a good thirty years... which turns out to be a problem for only two reasons:

1) Watching romantical scenes in a theater is awkward. Watching them in a theater thick with old-timers is not an improvement. We didn't do our homework before choosing the film... I still can't sleep at night thinking that they had.

2) Hearing aids make a particularly high pitched sound when they need adjusting... or batteries... or crushing. If we were watching anything but this sleepy turd, this wouldn't have been a problem. As it was, the entire movie was scored with something akin to a dog whistle... a painful wail only two couples seemed to hear.

Worst movie ever.

After the movie, I ducked in the bathroom to rid myself of the diet coke I had been nursing for two straight hours. While washing up, I notice (perhaps erroneously) that I might look just the tiniest bit like George Clooney. Walking through the lobby, I have the audacity to mention this this imaginary resemblance to Tracy. The best part? She says without a hint of sarcasm, "I was just thinking the same thing".

Best movie ever.