Overrun

Have you ever seen the movie Aliens vs Predators?

I have, at least twice. It was on again the other night. Tracy, Evan and I were all sucked in even though the movie was at least half over. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really recommending the film, it's only awesome at best (kidding). I'm just trying help you understand how the plot is exactly like the situation happening, right this minute, on every side of our house.

The important thing to know about the movie... at least as it pertains to this post... is this: In the film, there is a war between the Aliens (insect-like things that have a smaller mouths inside their regular mouths and acid for blood) and the Predators.. (crab-faced humanoids with dreadlocks and a lot of fancy wristwatches). Both species are far more powerful than the humans and would ordinarily just eat the humans, but now they are fighting each other. The people in the film have only one thing to do... pick a side and try to offer something in the way of support. Was that two things?

In at least eight places in our yard, we are growing at least four types of vines. We didn't plant any of them. They were just there. Or maybe they saw us move in and then did the same. Actually, that scenario seems more likely. Have you ever dealt with an incessantly creeping vine? How about four? Unlike you and me, they don't go to Red Iguana or play Call of Duty. They never sell Free People blouses or watch The Voice. They don't go to Bear Lake or jog in the park. They don't tweet. They don't LOL. They never watch AVP. They just grow. All day. All night. Anywhere. Everywhere. Their power lies in that singular focus. Lacking that focus in any respect, we are pretty much screwed.

Like the people in the movie, all we can hope to do is pick a side and try to offer something in the way of support. The combatants are listed below...

Our Ally...

Is Vinca Minor really an ally? I guess it depends on your perspective. Some people would probably just tear it out... But with so many enemies, we had to choose a friend. Periwinkle, as it is also endearingly called, has no thorns, grows nice purple flowers and is doing a really respectable job covering the areas we're too lazy to landscape. We help Vinca wherever we can.

The Axis of Evil...

English Ivy sounds charming... right? I initially thought it was... right up until the moment I saw what it's doing to our fence out by the back door. The words "death grip" come to mind as it has somehow woven itself through almost every slat in a ten foot section. Maybe it could just become our fence? It already has a good start. I'm at least open to the idea. Meh... I suspect it has other plans.

The common name for this botanical nightmare is Wild Raspberry. Who knew that "Wild" actually meant "Not a single"? As in it won't grow a single raspberry. What it does grow, however, is thorns. Just cutting enough to snap this photo required a minor transfusion. My dislike for this plant simply cannot be overstated.

Wild Grape... Another fruitless contradiction. This isn't the most painful to handle or the hardest to cut, but I think it might be the most sinister. Why? It grows under the Vinca... up the apricot tree... along the fence and through the sidewalk... It's probably choked grandmother by now. The delicate tendrils you see in the picture are always grabbing for more. And yet... Unlike the English Ivy or Wild Raspberry, it pulls out as easy as pie. I was pleased by the notion until I thought it over. "Plants like this don't give up that easily. What's the strategy here?" I eventually came to clarity. Even if you pull up a twenty foot strand, the vine quietly whispers... "Take all you want friend, there's more where that came from."

Stay tuned... I may post an update some time down the road. I think we're going to escalate the conflict as neighborhood cleanup day draws nearer. But if you don't hear from us, send help. Also, have them bring some of this.

Lastly... this is a blog post, not a botany lesson. If any names or labels are wrong, what say we blame these guys?